The line between colleagues and friends

I am having a really hard time moving on. I really had such a great time at the industry rotation that I cannot help relieving the memories, over and over and over again. And the come the what-ifs, what if there was no covid, would I have made a better friend with my preceptor? What if the company had allowed me to extend just like some other companies?

I do feel that I am always the unlucky one, why did I have to do my PECT when covid happened and lost out on so many opportunities to connect with my preceptor? Why did my rotation have so little exposure as compared to the others? Why does the company disallow me to extend when I see other companies allow their interns too - and I desperately need the extension to build up my resume? Why am I always so unlucky?

I try very hard to see things from another perspective, believe me, I do try hard. Perhaps if I had a more enriching experience, I would feel a stronger sense of connection with the company and the low now that I am feeling would be way worse. But really, I would have a deeper connection and made a new friend. Would I be happier though?

The company couldn't allow me to extend because they would need to create more emails for us. Then do I regret my choice and that I should have applied to another company? No, I do not think that I would trade my experiences that I had just to join another company. But really, 2 months is a long time and I just wished that I had pushed more... Onto building my resume, do I regret not applying for other industrial internships in the past? Maybe... But then again, if I did, I would have known where my interests lie and perhaps I wouldn't have applied to this company, because the reason why I did so was because of the exposure to the different departments. 

As I try to reason out and convince myself that everything is alright, I just can't. I wished I had pushed harder for them to extend me, I wished I had pushed harder to be a friend of the preceptor, I wished I had more opportunities to expose myself to the work more. All I can comfort myself with now is that - at least I've tried.

And hopefully, one day, my best is enough.

Class Divide

Singapore is now abuzz with talks about the AHTC case and class divide, well, being of someone having no interests in politics, I won't be talking about AHTC of course. But class divide! Alas! Something so real, and the keeping within the class is really true.

How ironic that many months before the whole big talk, I mentioned to my friend that I feel like all my childhood friends are doing very well now, many are scholars, and those who went to polytechnics have done exceeding well during their term in poly, with many even being recipients of prestigious scholarships and external awards. I told my friend, E, that I felt terrible, I'm currently on a decline, my glory days are over while everyone else seems to be peaking now, when this is the time that matters most. E then mentioned that it's just who the people that I hung out with, I was surrounded by strong academics. E told me that at her church, there were some who studied at ITE, and they would mention how great her English was. And she said that they lived across the bridge in AMK, yet the difference was obvious.

This really made me realise that hey, it seems like everyone is doing well now because all along, I was surrounded by people of my own class. Not that I believe that those of a different class cannot be successful (hardwork gets you anywhere man!) but this really enlightened me to the idea of how similar my classmates and I are in terms of background. I barely know anyone living in a rental flat personally, I must admit. I do not have friends in other streams.

And I blame the government. Meritocracy is a great thing, I truly support the idea of fairness base on hardwork and skills, because if not there is really no point to working that hard if I am born poor and destined to stay poor. But I think we are slowly coming to realise that meritocracy has a dark side to it, it creates segregation. And with segregation comes elitism.

All throughout my educational years, I have been ranked based on my exam results. I am then sorted into classes based on my ranking. This means that my classmates are all around my standards, I do not get to mix with those of 'higher' or 'lower' ranks than me. When I joined the prefectorial board, out of the 150+ prefects, only a handful of them (I daresay less than 7) come from the N(A) or N(T) streams. Why? Do they see themselves as incapable? Because I can assure you, they are not so. I know of this girl in the N(T) stream who was a fantastic leader, much better than me, I believe.

But of course, there is simply no easy solution to this? In the documentary "Regardless of Class", one of the IP student mentioned that she does not think integrating the different streams into one class is a good idea as it may even widen the gap due to the different learning abilities. And I agree with her, I will never want to be in a class where I'm the small fish, that would make me frustrated and stress when I see others understanding concept so quickly, when I don't even know what the teacher is talking about. And when the results are out, I will feel so inferior and doubt myself.

But we don't want that for our children, do we? I mean, even the Government is shifting the focus away from exam grades, but this is what integrating the streams will lead us to. Afterall, we will always compete with the ones besides us, even if we are friends. And when self-doubt comes into play, the child has lost his motivation, nothing will enable him to be successful in life.

I don't have a solution to class divide, because it is here to stay. But what I think we can do to bridge the classes is to respect one another. Do not act based on stereotypes, and what we are going through in life is very different. We may never be able to fully understand each other, but the very least we can do is to acknowledge that we are fellow Singaporeans- there is something unique about each of us, and we all have that special talent somewhere in us where we can share it with the world. 

May the Start override the End

We live in a world, where we seem to be all by ourselves. No matter how much we enclose ourselves with friends and family, we all have our deepest secrets and sorrows that we can never share. And this makes us trapped, trapped in our own lies, trapped in our denial of what we are truly feeling. I simply don't know how to react to things anymore, All these feelings of frustration are leaving me far behind others, they have become so familiar that I don't feel right leaving them, how I can step forward for a new environment? 

2016 is supposed to symbolise a new break, a new year, but so far all that is happening is jinxed. I want to break out of this cycle, and revert back to my old, happy ways. Yes, we shouldn't stick in the past, but is it wrong for me to ask for a happier time? I miss the healthier and more energetic you. But I'm sure, and I know, that you will get better soon.Please hurry!

I really wish to go back to normal life, where I only worry about CCA and academics. Please, dear God, hear my prayers and let everything fall back to its original place. I'm just a glass cover holding the mess of emotions inside of me. I really need help.  

A short post

Well it's been about 3 days since I've ended my Os. I have reverted back to my lazy days, mostly just spending my days on the sofa reading and watching Harry Potter. But come to think of it, I think I will actually miss PL, having been a PL-lite for 10 years. And PL Sec was one of the best place to be in, it is a shame and of such grief that I have to leave her. I've heard stories of JC from my sister, and I realised that it is different from PL, in PL everyone cares for each other, teachers pray for your well being and friends pray for one another. But in JC, unfortunately not...

Anyways, today I went swimming with D and what a great time we've had. I wish and hope really hard that I'll always remain close friends with D.

Chinese O'Level results

Today was the very day where I received my O' Level paper which I took in June. And I have done better than I expected, before I expected an A2, for only during Prelim 1 (the last time we practiced a full paper for Chinese), I had gotten my vey first A2. But after receiving my result slip, I really wanted to jump in excitement, I had gotten an A1! And distinction for my oral! And I saw Roanne's marks, she too had exactly the same result as me, and I felt that she really worked hard for she was not in school since the beginning of the year, yet she had this good result! And Matthea, though she had a merit for oral, she was still blessed with an A1, which meant that her paper one and two were really good! She deserves it, I saw her working really hard for it! But whenever there are good things, there's bound to be some bad. My friend, E, didn't get what she wanted, and I felt really bad, because her foundation is there, I believe that she could have done it. And XY, she was such a positive girl, I hope that she will pick herself up and get an A1 for the end of year's one. And not to forget Sherylyn, please let her have the blessings and not be so disappointed.

Chinese Oral

Well, I just had my Chinese O'Level Orals last Friday, 4th July 2014. It does happen to be the day of America's Independence Day, yet I has such an important ordeal to go through. Chinese was never my forte, and I read the passage really badly. To me, I thought that it was simple, yet I'm sure I said it horribly, so I do regret it, a lot. Before the exams, there were six of us in a group and we prayed together. This was one of the few moments where I really felt that if every falls to pieces, I do know that I can always count on Him. Before the day itself, I have already been praying, not for a miracle, but for me to work hard and present all that I had gotten. Throughout the oral exam, I really felt His presence, always being with me. I'm a Buddhist, yet I felt His presence in the hall, felt His warm hands melt my icy heart. May He be with all who needs his presence. Amen.

All the best for those taking their O'Level Oral! Push on and strive towards the goal!

23rd April- Prefects' Installation
25th April- Musical Montage
And now that all of these is over, I'll never be able to play with my guzheng friends again, nor can I go home with them or just tease them, and I can't serve the Board or be with my buddies anymore. But the main thing is missing PLGZ, for which I've gotten to know everyone better!!!